DV. What should we do?

It’s gotten under my skin. It seems every week another woman is killed by a man in her family. Women (and men) have marched. Our government has pledged many millions of dollars. My feelings about the whole thing are so crunchy. I feel compelled to action, and yet pessimistic. What should a follower of Jesus do? What should a church do?

In one sense, we’ve got a head start on our secular society. We ought not be surprised when men and women sin against each other. It’s there from almost the very beginning. And once set up in Genesis 3, the pattern plays out through the Old Testament. There’s shape to the way we sin against each other as men and women, including a pattern of men wielding their on-average physical advantage against women. It’s there in scripture. It’s here in our culture. We know the root of the problem: it’s sin.

We also know the one who turned that pattern on its head. Jesus gave up every advantage for the sake of those with none. He treated women with honour beyond the expectation of his society, even those who were disgraced. Having given himself up as a sacrifice for our sin, he called us to love each other according to that pattern. And he poured out his Spirit that we might actually do it!

So what should we do?

We should build communities where men and women honour each other, loving one another as brothers and sisters; churches where we always speak to and about each other with gentleness and respect. Even in our jokes and jest. Even when no one of the opposite sex will hear us.

We should be churches where women feel safe and valued, whatever their background or experience. Where women at risk, and their children, find refuge.

We should cultivate healthy marriages. Not perfect marriages, but healthy ones. Shaped by gentleness and respect; by love and deep affection. And we should beware of coercive control and the misuse of scripture as its cover.

We should encourage friendships which make healthy singleness viable. Where people without families of their own are loved and included.

We should value the significance of parenting, encouraging each other to persevere in it amidst the myriad challenges.

We should be churches facing the reality within. Where DV is recognised in relationships and addressed seriously. Where men encourage and challenge each other to be the kind of men around whom women are, and feel, safe. 

We should love deeply men, women, and children who’ve experienced trauma or who suffer from mental health illnesses. And we should support them in finding professional care.

We should take great care with our use of alcohol, as individuals, and as communities. And show gospel-shaped love and care to those who struggle with addiction or overuse.

We should be communities where people come in and say, “Wow, look how they love each other.”  And we should be those same people, shaped by those same features as we go out into our families, neighbourhoods, and workplaces.

Of course we won’t do it perfectly. We’ll struggle as individuals and as communities, needing to turn again and again to the grace of God poured out in Jesus. But we can take courage! We’ll make progress as God works in and amongst us by his Spirit.

A few years ago a woman joined our church looking for friends. She was lonely, and though she wasn’t religious, she’d had enough contact with the church as a child to know she might find community. We met and began to read the Bible together. It was COVID times, so we mostly met online. After a few months she put her trust in Jesus. As restrictions eased she joined a Growth Group. Slowly but surely she became part of our community. It took her something like two years to tell anyone she was in a dangerous DV situation. Two years to decide she could trust us with her vulnerability. It was another year before she was safe. For that year, every time I heard a news report of another woman killed, I’d double take. Was it her this time? It was a community effort to provide her with the support and love she needed both during and since that time.

That’s what we should do. This is who we should be. Communities where vulnerable women know the love of Jesus by the way we love each other, and them.